It always gets me at the end of the day. Depression. Anger. Frustration. Tears. I don’t know what it is about the dark of the night, but the night always hits and relentlessly strips all the masks that I routinely wear off of me. Maybe it’s because I’m the most vulnerable at night. Maybe it’s the fact that I’m all alone with nothing to hide or prove to anyone else in this world. Maybe it’s because it’s the only time that I have on a daily basis where I can evaluate myself for all that I am. Maybe it’s because I’m supposed to learn something from this. That I should terminate all my insecurities. That I should start being stronger. That I should start facing the reality. That I should stop being scared of confrontations. But what I’m most fearful of is that I don’t know what to make of all this. An independent person like me becoming so helpless within a matter of a change from AM to PM. I don’t know. I just don’t know.

I’m good at pretending like I’m okay. I’m great at laughing it off as if it were nothing just so I don’t have to show I’m hurt. I’m excellent at being strong and independent to cover up the fact that I’m actually lonely and sad. I’m impressive at hiding my true feelings even from myself. I’m unbeatable when it comes to telling people I’m fine every time they ask me how I am. I’m good, great, excellent, impressive, unbeatable; at all the wrong things. 

Many of us are diagnosed with insecurity, depression, loneliness, with symptoms of not fitting in, being judgmental, and feeling dissastisfied. If this sounds like you, go get yourself a reality check, then prescribe yourself to acceptance and making changes. We all need one every once in awhile so when the time comes, be smart about it and straighten out your motives.

The days when letters made your heartbeat race. The days when romance wasn’t overrated or misused. The days when relationships consisted of two whole individuals, not two halves. Call me old fashioned, but maybe it’s time we bring it back in style.

I may not have the best looks, riches beyond my wildest dreams, the body of a model, success that triumphs, or the intelligence of a genius. But I do have food to eat, clothes to wear, a place I can call home, a family I love, a best friend I trust, the ability to laugh, and a heart that beats and feels. That’s already more than enough for me.

There are many things that I need, even more that I want, but what I have is all I got, so might as well make the best of it.

I’m not quiet. I just like to keep my thoughts and opinions to myself. I’m not depressed. I’m just having an off day. I’m not crazy. I just enjoy expressing and embracing who I am. I’m not shy. I just don’t excessively talk to strangers. I’m not weird. I’m just being me. And the last thing I need is your approval.

I look too ahead, trust too easily, wish too hard, forget too quickly, think too much, dream too unrealistically, expect too little, love too immaturely, doubt too far and live too originally. But then again, how else would I have a reason to turn to God?